"They’re not Aborigines, they’re 'Indigenous Australians'" - Tales of Political Correctness

If you’ve ever attempted to perform the stale and tiresome task of writing up an Australian History essay, chances are you’ve heard the pestering righteousness of straight-laced professors: It’s not Aborigine, its Indigenous Australian. Such brash, panicked corrections don’t end there, so just so we’re clear, readers, it’s not Black but African American, not half-breed but multi-ethnic, Advanced Learners rather than Gifted, Special Needs rather than Handicapped and (my personal favourite) Chronologically Advantaged rather than Old Person. Australia is often accused of being a racist country, and with recent scandals surrounding football players throwing around offensive racial slurs, it’s time we jumped onto the political-correctness bandwagon.

Unlike our friends in the United States and United Kingdom, political correctness has not had a very strong presence in Australia until recently. A few days ago when I’d misplaced my cousin somewhere inside a local Borders bookstore, I was offered assistance by a perky staff member, and asked her if she’d seen a tall Asian girl. She responded with a few nervous glances around the store, struggling for an answer until, very carefully, she offered, “The tall one, with…long black hair…the tall one that you walked in with...I think she’s in the Fantasy section.” I realise now that it had been terribly sadistic, but at that point it was too irresistible not to lean in slowly and whisper, “But was she…Asian?” Impressively, the determined assistant struggled on, flinching and squirming, and finally answering, “I hadn’t noticed, but she’s tall, with long black hair, and she’s wearing a black ACDC t-shirt and a bright blue necklace.”

Today, teachers are discouraged from writing negative feedback on students’ report cards, journalists are pressured to choose their words carefully, Santa Clause is ordered to swap his cheery “ho ho ho” with the less vulgar “ha ha ha”, Baa-Baa Black Sheep is now Baa-Baa Rainbow Sheep, and team-mates who are in the habit of taking regular jabs at one another are made to exercise special caution for their mates of non-Anglo heritage. I admit that I often shudder when somebody uses the dreaded gender-specific job titles (actress, waitress, stewardess), and there is no doubt that people can often go too far with blatancy and insensitivity, but it appears that the prodigious flight of political correctness has rendered people to the unfortunate habit of fighting ignorance with even more ignorance. If the girl at the bookstore had noticed the bright blue necklace and the ACDC t-shirt, chances are she would’ve also noticed that my cousin was in fact Asian. It is, as the Brits from the Daily Mail put it, “political madness gone wild”.

Academics have argued that political correctness thwart liberal ideals of free speech, reducing the phenomenon to the likes of cultural Marxism and totalitarianism. Scientists state that the alleged “correctness” of it all is characterised by emotional, rather than rational discourses. But, what do those pompous, uppity geezers know? Here are some helpful suggestions on how you can become more of a decent, politically correct citizen:

Abortion - Near-Life Experience

Alcoholic - Anti-Sobriety Activist

An Immigrant - a newcomer

Assassination - involuntary term limitation

Bald - follically independent

Body Odour - nondiscretionary fragrance

Cannibalism - Intra-Species Dining

Censorship - Selective Speech

China - Porcelain

Chronically Late - Temporarily Challenged

Corpse - Permanently Static Post-Human Mass

Dead - Actuarially Mature

Dishonest - Ethically disoriented

Fat - horizontally challenged

Fictional / Mythological - ontologically challenged

Frog - amphibian American

Gang - Youth Group

Garbage Man - sanitation engineer

Gas Station Attendant - petroleum transfer technician

Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh

Homeless - outdoor urban dwellers

Housewife - domestic engineer

Hunter - Animal Assassin

Ignorant - factually unencumbered

Incompetent - Uniquely Proficient

Insane People - Selectively Perceptive

Lazy - motivationally dispossessed

Loser - uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path

Off - energy-efficient

Paper Bag - processed tree carcass

Prostitute - sex care provider

Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist

Someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone - morally handicapped

Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units

Unemployed - Involuntarily leisured